You Don't See Me
by poppyfields13
Summary: Chad wants to write Ryan a letter. But he can’t. Ryan wishes he could tell Chad how he feels. But he can’t. Slash.
1. You Don't See Me

**A/N: **I am _so_ supposed to be studying right now. Really. I have two more exams left. But I am the worst procrastinator ever and since I banned myself from updating 'The Complex Lives' this came out of me instead. I was pretty much just releasing some nervous energy, and this didn't take me that long, so please excuse me if it's _really_ crappy. I think it is _okay_, but you never know. :-P I rated it 'K' because I really don't see it as being offensive. There isn't even any swearing which is quite astonishing for me. But if you think I should up the rating due to the slash and/or implied twincest, let me know and I will do it.

**Song:** '3 Libras' by A Perfect circle, _lyrics are in italics_.

-

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, composing the same letter in my mind. The letter that I had composed what felt like a million times before. A letter I would never send. A letter I would never even write. The words laced with the despairing feelings I would never express. And mixed with my tears.

Dear Ryan,

You threw me many baseballs during that game, and they had no meaning. But as soon as the first baseball left my hand, I knew. It contained everything I had. And it was for you. I threw it to you. _Threw you the obvious_. You didn't realise what it meant. And why would you? It was just a baseball. I should have seen that the ferocity at which you whacked that ball was your rejection of me. But it didn't occur to me because the way you hit it and the way you ran and leapt about mesmerised me.

No-one knew, and I suddenly had the biggest secret of the world on my shoulders. And so I tried to remove it. When I removed my shirt I tried to remove the weight. And I thought you would see it, but you still didn't. I suggested we change clothes. _Threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back_. You paraded around in my baseball clothes and I loved it. You never seemed to walk…more like float. You flew like an angel, really. You looked so hot in my clothes. I wanted you so bad. I thought you knew. I thought it was obvious. I thought you wanted me too…you wore my clothes.

Maybe, just like the baseball, our friendship meant more to me than it did to you. I didn't think about how you could have anyone. I wasn't the first person you used, was I? _A_ _name in your recollection_. You are so different from your sister, but also so the same. I know you can't help it but it still disappoints me.

_Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over_. We were friends. Now I just feel used. I had never previously seen you with anyone other than Sharpay and so I naturally thought I was special. It felt special that you were my friend, because you had never shown me attention before, even when I had made fun of you at school – which I had only ever done because I wanted your attention, Ryan. And you hadn't given it to me. But all of a sudden you were, and I loved it. I felt like I was actually on the same level as Sharpay. Not just a person who was second best as I had always been before, and you understood. But you were devoted to Sharpay…by choice. And you were only hanging out with me because she didn't want you. But I did, Ryan.

It's ironic how much you only care about yourself, and yet you can't see that I could be so much better for you than Sharpay. Your selfishness blinds you. Yes I said it. Ryan Evans, I think you are selfish. When you can't have what you want, you use people. And those people just can't help themselves from falling for you. And then you abandon them. Because your sister wants you back...But I know you can't help it. It's what you have learned from her.

_I look right through to see you naked but oblivious_. You love her. You may be a really great actor, but when you aren't on stage, you so earnestly wear your heart on your sleeve that it nearly kills me. Every time, and I mean that. It killed (and kills) me because in your eyes I couldn't see my love returned. You didn't even know my love was there. I knew everything you felt but you couldn't see my feelings. Oblivious…_And you don't see me. _

_But I threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel_._ Eyes of a tragedy_. I thought that maybe there was more to you than Sharpay. And that you could actually learn to love me the way you loved her…maybe even more. You needed the chance to be loved by someone else, and I was willing to give it to you. I gave you the chance a fallen angel deserves.

That night after the talent show, when I tried to kiss you. I was giving you everything. But it was too late, wasn't it? You didn't need me anymore because you had _her_ back. I got my answer loud and clear when you pulled away – there was nothing more important to you than your sister. Nothing more behind your eyes. I should have known that if I couldn't find it in your eyes then I wouldn't find it behind them either.

_Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded_. You couldn't let me love you. I asked too much of you. You only have enough to give for one person. And you will never desert Sharpay. _But I see, see through it all, see through, see you_. But I can't help it, I still love you. I know what you are really like. More than she ever will. Just because you're twins doesn't mean she can see your soul. She doesn't have the ability to. She doesn't care enough. She will never be able to love your clueless-ness, your pale skin, your seemingly emaciated frame, the way I do.

_Because I threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel_. It's hard for me to accept that you would give everything up for her. I guess you are her angel, not mine. But a fallen angel, of course. Because it's wrong. You know it too, but you can't help it. _Eyes of a tragedy_.

_Oh well_,I tried but couldn't save you, you wouldn't let me. _Oh well_, what else can I do?_ Apparently nothing_. I threw you everything and it came to nothing. _Apparently nothing at all_. Just like I can never beat Troy, I can never beat Sharpay either – my whole life is disappointments. And just like you, I can't help the way I feel.

_You don't, you don't, you don't see me_. Now that we are back at school, again I mean nothing to you.You ignore me just like before. I honestly never believed you would do that. Well, I guess things never change. And I suppose it was stupid of me to think they would. But hey, I am stupid. Everyone knows that.

Now every time I walk past you, you don't even see me.

_  
You don't, you don't, you don't see me_

_  
You don't see me_

_  
You don't_

_  
You don't see me at all_…but I still see you.

Yours truly,

Chad Danforth.

-

**A/N:** Yuck, got kind of repetitive and whiny. –shrugs– Obviously, I interpreted the lyrics the way I wanted to, but that's what songfic's are, right? Twisting the words to make them fit your story? (Although APC lyrics are pretty ambiguous anyway) I dunno! That was my first ever songfic! heh XD lol, I seriously wonder what Maynard James Keenan would think if he knew I was using his precious lyrics for a HSM fic. :S It's a really beautiful song though and I urge you to go and listen to it.

P.S…..WRITE SOME JARTHA:-P (I will absolutely love you (and reward you) for it!) XOX


	2. There You Go

**Title:** There You Go

**Song:** "My Hero" by the Foo Fighters.

Watching Chad across the car park after graduation, I wish I could say a proper goodbye. It's too late I know. I watch my hero; I wish I could tell him that's what he is._ Watch him as he goes_,_ there goes my hero_,_ he's ordinary_.

I want to tell you that I do know you watch me, have been watching me all year. What you don't know is that I watch you too. _You know my hero_,_ the one that's on_. You mean more to me than you will ever know.

I ignore you because you know the truth. And I'm not ready to admit it. _Too alarming now to talk about_. You remind me of the things I am not proud of. When I am with Sharpay, I let her take over, and I forget about everything else and I do what she says. And when I do this, I even forget that what we are doing is wrong. If she says its right, I believe her. But when I see you, this barrier of ignorance I have built around me falls apart and it alarms me.

_Truth or Consequence_… Rejecting you, the only true thing I ever had, was a mistake and I am dealing with the consequences. We both are. But I chose this consequence, because I couldn't give up my sister. And I knew that's what would happen if I chose you instead. She would never forgive me, and I couldn't live with that. I'm sorry that by making my choice I hurt you and decided your future for you. It wasn't my intention but I'm an Evans. I can't help but be selfish sometimes.

You think things don't have to be this way. You think I don't have to believe she's the perfect person for me. You think I don't have to believe I need to be with her… or that I have to be like her. But I can't believe you either. _Take your pictures down and shake it out_. I'm not ready to do all the things you think I can do. I'm not ready to believe in myself. It's something I've never done. _Use that evidence, race it around_. You think deep down I have it in me, but I don't. You say that because I stood up to her before that I can do it again. But what if I don't want to? I'm not like you. I don't know what independence is. I need her.

I distance myself from you because I don't want you to tell me I am my own person. I like having Sharpay tell me what to do. I've grown so accustomed to it. It's not something I am willing to part with. I know this makes me weak. Sharpay is everything, and when I am with her I am weak. But you have seen for yourself, even if I have the strength to break free of her… I will always go back.

_There goes my hero_. I look up to you because we are so alike, maybe not quite in the way you think we are, but I see the things in Sharpay that she doesn't see in herself, and you do the same in me. You see things about me I would never guess are even there, and they are things I will never know. They are your little secret. But it doesn't bother me, it makes me feel special. Maybe one day I will discover them for myself. I would like to make you proud.

_Don't the best of them bleed it out?_ Isn't it what people do if they don't get their way? Just deal with it? (That is to say, _ordinary people_… people like Sharpay always get what they want. She's not ordinary.) You'll get over me, you're strong. You'll go off to college, meet someone else, someone better for you and willing to accept every part of you for who you are. Eventually you won't think of me anymore. _Kudos my hero_. That is something I could never do if Sharpay abandoned me. I guess ordinary people are stronger… they are the ones that become the real heroes. Sharpay may grow up to be a star, but it's different because what she will be remembered for won't compare to you.

_There goes my hero_, I love you Chad but we aren't meant to be together. You may think that about me and Sharpay… but that is one thing you are wrong about. Sharpay may never admit it, but she needs me too. As long as I know this, I will always be around for her. She means everything to me. She taught me everything. She's perfect and I love her. And as long as I love her, I can't love anyone else more.

I guess the vital difference between us is that as much as I admire heroism, there are other things that Sharpay possesses that I hold in higher regard. Things you don't see as important at all. It's ingrained in me and makes me different from everyone else. But you're not different from everyone else… you're just the same. _There goes my hero_,_ he's ordinary_. You're my hero Chad, and you always will be. But Chad, you are just too ordinary for me to love.


End file.
